Becoming “Relationship Ready”
in Your Recovery Life
Tell me I can’t do something… and that’s all the motivation I need to prove to you and the rest of the world that I can. Right or wrong, “Watch me”, is generally my silent reaction.
It is for this reason that I’m so grateful to my sponsor for not thrusting the commandment, “No relationships for a year”, in my face. Had he done that, I’d probably have been having sex by noon; or at least, would have been obsessed with the idea. Instead he said, “Let’s find out who the real Anthony is first”. That idea was music to my ears and probably what kept me from harming myself and/or someone else in early recovery.
No matter how a sponsor says it, there are some universal Truths when it comes to relationships in early recovery. Perhaps the most important is, “Place ANYTHING ahead of your recovery and you will loose it”. This is true whether you’re in a relationship or not; dating or not; married or not. To tell someone, “No relationships for a year”, is misleading without some added perspective. In early recovery, there are in fact, plenty of relationships I need to begin in my 1st year. There are also plenty of relationships I need to avoid. Understanding and accepting these differences are exactly where I needed to begin and where I needed help.
For me, understanding and acceptance were foreign concepts for me in early recovery. All I knew about understanding was that I always felt so misunderstood. All I knew about acceptance was maybe how to spell it.
My sponsor explained in a kind but clear way the relationships I needed to avoid. Of course he told me to avoid associating with anyone drinking or using drugs. Old playmates had to go. When it came to the idea of some new sexual playmate, he pointed out that I have an illness from which I had not yet recovered. I accepted that notion, and based on that, he told me I had no business spreading that illness around town. Up until then, I had never really considered the potential harm I might cause someone else. This was a major breakthrough in my self-centered thinking. He went on further to point out that even if I found someone as sick as I was in this regard… two wrongs don’t make a right.
So now what do I do?
First thing I needed to do was develop an honest working relationship with my sponsor. If I couldn’t be honest with my sponsor, how was I going to be honest with a future partner or anyone else for that matter? Through this relationship I came to know a whole new kind of love. A love I’d never experienced with any human being. This was a love based on honesty, accountability, willingness, vulnerability, openness, and humility. It was a love based on someone actually giving a damn about my spiritual condition. Our relationship continues to grow in this light today. Today our relationship is truly a two-way street. I now recognize this relationship as my first encounter with true intimacy; and sex had nothing to do with it.
Had I set out to prove that I can have sex if I want to, I would have missed the whole thing. I would not have received this precious gift of recovery. What’s worse, I would have harmed someone else by robbing them of that same gift; And for what purpose other than to prove some selfish and self-serving point.
The second thing I needed to do was develop a working relationship with the 12 steps. The process of trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others is precisely how one finds out who they really are in recovery. This of course is a process that takes time. The idea that 365 days of sexual abstinence must occur first is bizarre when you really think about it. This line of thinking begs the question, “What’s going to be difference on day 366?” The difference will be that on day 366, the relationship issue will no longer be an issue. The difference will be that you have found a new way to live and are no longer fighting the process of recovery. By doing the work, you will have discovered your true self and what it is you’re bringing to your entire relationships; personal, professional, intimate, and sexual. Now that’s something worth sharing!
In short, Becoming “Relationship Ready” is less about saying no to sex for a pre- determined number of days, and more about saying yes to “First Things First”, as a way of life. Give yourself and others a chance to find out who the real you is. That discovery is a gift that will keep on giving.
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